Neglect Begets Neglect
"You don't need anyone."
Everyone has some kind of demon that whispers to them. Sitting on your shoulder like a hellsent parrot, the demon croaks out inhumane hexes to influence you.
"You don't need anyone."
That's my demon. I have defeated others, but this one remains an ancient and powerful demon. It has been there so long that I have a bittersweet friendship with it. Maybe, at one point I was even dependent on that demon. Reviewing my life there were times that that demon saved my life. People have sometimes said about me that I "march to the beat of my own drum", but it is more complex than that.
Recently there was a revelation that I may have been raised in a neglected household. I say "may" because I haven't committed yet. Telling people I was raised neglected, maybe even abused, is extremely painful to admit. Un/fortunately when I bring this up to people who I've told my stories to, I expect judgment and instead they say things like, "Oh yeah, none of this is surprising." Guess everyone around me was already convinced.
Looking over the span of my life this demon's strength comes down to two eras: my teenage years and my early 20's.
My teenage years are hard to review under this new lens of neglect. I didn't want to hangout with my family and instead chose to hangout on the internet. All my free time was on the internet. At the time I thought this was simply my hobby and now I have this chicken-or-egg problem where I wonder if I was trying to escape the family. My parents I would describe as emotionally unavailable. My sisters I would describe as similar victims who were dealing with their own levels of depression.
The challenge is that I struggle to recall happy memories of my parents and sisters. Instead I recall how they bullied me. Always talking shit about my hair, acne, skinniness. Always talking shit about how I didn't want to spend time with them and wanted to instead be a computer nerd. Most people meet their bullies at school. My bullies were at home.
"You don't need anyone."
I don't have fond memories of bonding with my father. The only thing we ever did together was construction work on our fixer-upper house or doing oddball jobs to bring in a little cash for the family. Never bonded with my mother either. When we were together it was when we were being forced to clean the house and told that it never met her standards. My relationship with my parents was more of a free employee than what I would expect a parent-child relationship to be. What kind of relationship am I supposed to have with them now as an adult?
"You don't need anyone."
Both my parents, from what I can gleam, also grew up with neglectful parents. Seems this may be a generational curse. Do they have the same demon I do?
"You don't need anyone."
I wish I had a better relationship with my sisters. Seemingly they too were impacted by this neglect. I think they have different demons than me, but clearly they as adults they were impacted by their own experience of the family dynamics. Like me, they spent their entire childhood in a confusing depression. I can't blame them for being weird. I can't blame them for being distant. They haven't had the benefit of being an adult as long as I have and in time I hope they find their way.
In 2012 I got involved in a terribly, factually abusive relationship. I was truly wrapped up in her. Too wrapped up. I was immensely depressed and anything good that could happen to me was a godsend.
The woman I loved, who I thought was my future wife, would say and do crazy things to keep me twisted and broken. Multiple times she pretended to be pregnant and then a month later have miscarriages. Many times she pretended to have health crises where should we would collapse to the ground so that I could swoon over her. Many times she would threaten me with cheating on me. Finally it peaked in her physically attacking me: biting, spitting, kicking, attempting to stab me.
If the woman I love treats me this way, what does that mean?
"You don't need anyone."
I am peeling this apart now at 32 years old. You will not find a neat conclusion for you here, dear reader. I do need people. I want people. I need to flourish with those that I care about.
Instead I struggle with delegation. Sometimes I find it hard to not keep people at arm's distance. Asking for help is a sin against my identity sometimes.
But what am I to do if I am comfortable with this demon? There is a strength here. My demon is a weapon at times. Maybe all I can do is seek control over it instead of killing it completely.
Written May 2023